#1: How to Listen so People Will Talk

I'm already getting behind on my #35while35 challenge so I'm taking some time on this long weekend to kick this off! I'm still not sure how I want to format these posts so it might be a work in progress for a while.

Background: As I prefaced in my last post, book #1 of the year is "How to Listen so People Will Talk" by Becky Harling. (Follow her @BeckyHarling if you happen to be a Twitter person). I'm also trying to follow the authors of books that inspire me, so that their posts remind me to keep practicing what I've learned. Harling's tone throughout the book is kind, honest and endearing, and her own personal stories build depth and trust behind the concepts she is teaching. Here's the link again in case you want to order or download a copy for yourself:
https://www.amazon.com/Listen-People-Will-Talk-Communication/dp/0764219448/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1RLTT0EPSKZSO&keywords=how+to+listen+so+people+will+talk&qid=1548126107&sprefix=how+to+listen+so%2Caps%2C175&sr=8-

Personal Note: I'm honestly not sure how I came across this book. Lots of things seem to be finding me when I need them these days, and I'm so grateful that I picked up this book! A year ago, I may not have even given it a chance. There are a lot of religious examples and comparisons throughout the book. Maybe I'll open up more about that in a future post but even if you're not religiously inclined, please don't let that turn you away! There are still a ton of lessons you can pick up from this book, while skimming over the other parts if needed.

Meat and Bones: Let's face it. We can probably all stand to be better listeners. I always presumed I was pretty good at listening until now. People seem to seek me out to talk, and I love that. So I must be a pretty good listener, right? Wrong!!! Oh man I have so far to go, but I'm consciously trying to remember a few key lessons when I'm conversing with people, (mainly my husband).  Even though I catch myself failing time and time again, I feel like the effort I've put in so far has been noticed and appreciated. (If not, please feel free to provide feedback ANYTIME! It's the only way we learn).

Here are four of the biggest take-aways I'm trying to practice right now:

1.  Being an active, engaged listener is 100% THE BEST gift you can give someone. This means putting away all of your own troubles, putting down your phone and giving someone a safe nonjudgemental space to share their story.

2. You don't have to fix everything. Before reading this book, I would shy away from conversations because I wanted to fix everything and it frustrated me that I couldn't. This quote changed my entire outlook: "Focus your inner fixer on your own difficulties and your listening ear on others'. Most of the time when a person confides in you about a problem they're experiencing, they just want someone to listen and confirm that what they are experiencing is difficult." (Page 60). Mind = blown.

3. Resist diving in with your own story. This was also a huge reality check. I am constantly doing this, but I aways thought it meant I was being a GOOD listener. When you insert your own story, you effectively steal the microphone from the person who is sharing their concerns with you. This is particularly important when trying to help a grieving friend. I still catch myself doing this too much even after reading this book TWICE!

4. Validate feelings, not actions. This may seem elementary, but this simple point made me stop in my tracks and really start to recognize the difference between feelings and actions. "Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They're just feelings. It's what we do with those feelings that determines whether or not we sin." (Page 93)

There are so many good more lessons in this book, it's overwhelming to try remember (and practice) them all! The above four are the biggest ones I'm trying to focus on because they spoke to me the most. When I've mastered those, I plan to read this again and pick some others.

Retrospective: I am grateful to have some wonderful listeners in my life. After figuring out what a good listener actually embodies, it makes me so much more appreciative to have those people in my life! Everyone is on their own listening journey, and so Harling also reminds us that it's important not to judge or feel anger at those who are just beginning their journey.

I hope someday, people will read this book and think of me when they make a mental list of good listeners in their lives. That would be the greatest compliment!

What's Next: Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Good-Endeavor-Connecting-Your/dp/1594632820/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2M5AUACLNJBSA&keywords=every+good+endeavor+tim+keller&qid=1548127712&sprefix=Every+Good+%2Caps%2C178&sr=8-1