#3 - Everything Happens for a Reason

It's been a whirlwind of a week. So much has happened, I can barely comprehend. But a very busy and blurry week included a couple last minute trips, two unexpected illnesses and NO knee surgery.

Last Saturday morning, my Grandma Helen passed away after a long and painful battle with colon and stomach cancer. We knew her time was coming to an end but it still wasn't easy saying goodbye. I didn't think I was going to be able to make it to her funeral, since my surgery was scheduled for the same day. But the theme of the week seems to be "everything happens for a reason" which leads my to book review #3: Everything Happens For a Reason - Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives by Mira Kirshenbaum

https://www.amazon.com/Everything-Happens-Reason-Finding-Meaning/dp/1400083214/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1OBDM5U9HH7RO&keywords=everything+happens+for+a+reason+book&qid=1551651715&s=gateway&sprefix=everything+happens+%2Caps%2C181&sr=8-2

I'm not going to go into as much detail on this one. I highlighted so many passages, there's no way I could cover them all. However, I did gain a lot of insight and comfort from reading this book. Kirshenbaum shares examples from over 30 years of her counseling career and reassures us that the events that shape (and shake up) our lives are trying to teach us something. She boils it down to essentially 10 reasons:

1. To help you feel at home in the world
2. To help you totally accept yourself
3. To show you that you can let go of fear
4. To bring you to the place where you can feel forgiven
5. To help you uncover your true hidden talent
6. To give you what you need to find true love
7. To help you become stronger
8. To help you discover the play in life
9. To show you how to live with a sense of mission
10. To help you become a truly good person

I love that she puts her own personal stories in there as well and how she arrived at the place she did, in terms of why she wrote the book. Her clients truly are her inspiration.

Here's the vulnerable section of this post. The reason I could not have knee surgery this week is because I ended up having an infection in another part of my body, symptoms of which only started showing up the day before surgery was scheduled.  I called my doc right away and she said she would prefer not to operate, as existing infections could easily travel to my knee and cause another infection there. I was a little crushed because I was mentally ready for this to happen. But as soon as I figured out that I wasn't going to have the operation, I called my brother, to see if there was ANY way I could  still make it to my grandma's funeral the next day. He got me on a flight to Michigan that night. For free. (Thank you, American Airlines!) And as I sat there during the service, I could hear my grandma's wise voice in every song that was sung, and every Bible passage that was read. (She had planned these far in advance). I learned while a daughter shared memories, that she, like me, hated small talk and preferred to get to the "deeper conversations." I felt her hugging me during one of the songs when I literally got chills out of the blue.

It was a very emotional day, but if I hadn't been there, I would have missed so much.

And, as it turns out, when I got home I ended up coming down with the worst cold/flu symptoms I've had in a while, which can also lead to infections in the knee. So while I was mentally ready for knee surgery, the timing was just not right last week and I've accepted that it's a good thing it was put off for a bit. I'll get myself healthy and try again in a month. I can't believe I'm actually grateful for an infection and a cold! I got to be where I needed to be.

#2 of 35: The Power of a Praying Wife

Book #2 and I'm already throwing you a wrench from my last post. I previewed/teased Every Good Endeavor, but sometimes plans have a way of unexpectedly changing.

Link: The Power of a Praying Wife -- Stormie Omartian
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Praying®-Wife-Stormie-Omartian/dp/0736957499/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549307595&sr=8-1&keywords=the+power+of+a+praying+wife+by+stormie+omartian

Personal Note: Recently a friend opened up to be about some struggles she's dealing with and mentioned a book that's really been helping. Curiosity, a desire to better understand those struggles and maybe a little ADD (if I'm being honest) led me to pause with Timothy Keller and read this one. And it turns out I needed to hear every word in a bad way!
Also in all honesty, the title of this book alone made me think "what the heck am I about to read???" Reading and discussing the spiritual/religious realm is still new territory for me, so it's a hard place to be vulnerable and just put out there on this blog. But regardless of where you are, the concepts in this book are important and may inspire change if you are willing to listen. Here goes...

Meat and Bones: Ladies. How many times have you found yourself hoping and wishing for some aspect of your husband to change. Maybe you don't even know what exactly it is that needs to change? (Me!) Maybe you know exactly what you need him to change but no matter how much you try to communicate that, nothing happens? Either way, you end up maybe feeling a little "stuck." I think it's pretty normal for married couples to experience that after a while. But what can you do about it?

Here is the answer. Read chapter 1 of this book.  Over and over and over, or at least every time you start to feel that frustration sink back in. Full disclosure though: you will need to have an open mind. There are some parts that are way too 50's housewife for me (page 39) which I skip every time I re-read it. There is no way one woman can be everything that the author describes there. It's unrealistic and probably a little unhealthy to expect all of that of yourself. Don't stop reading though!

Here are my takeaways, and I'm only focusing on Chapter 1 here because it was what I really needed to hear and remember.

1. Change in your marriage has to start with changing yourself. Bingo. In order to understand or hope or ask for change in your partner, it's really as simple as getting your own heart right first. In my first post this year, I opened up that I'm talking to a counselor. Matt and I have also been attending an awesome church regularly. And of course I'm doing a lot of reading. This book was the smack in the face that I needed to help connect all of those pieces. "You must be the change you want to see in the world." I've heard that famous quote from Mahatma Ghandi's countless times, but I never even thought to apply it to my own marriage!  Doh.

2. Open up when you feel something, good or bad.  I recently did the Strengths Finder test and one of my top 5 strengths was Adaptability. It's a great trait to have, but a lot of the time, I will just go with the flow and kind of gloss over how I really feel about something. Stuffing my feelings inside all the time won't help us grow and understand each other...and I do know that one thing I crave is understanding. I also want to understand those around me better, so I'm trying to pay extra attention when people express feelings. Even when it's uncomfortable.

3. Creating a home. Ugh. I know I just got done talking about the "50's housewife" tones that bothered me. But I have to admit that I could do better in the housekeeping department. I don't want to stress Matt out with a cluttered or messy home! And he probably won't say it, but I know ours stresses him out to some degree. Especially our "office" which really just contains items that need to be gifted, sorted, or donated.
A quote from the book that stood out on this topic was "spending a certain amount of money for someone to help you a few hours a week is a lot cheaper than a divorce." (Page 35) Ok, I don't think my house is THAT bad but certainly if there was less clutter, I feel like I would be more inclined to push for a housekeeper to help out a little. (Isn't it Marie Kondo or someone that says the amount of clutter in your home resembles your mental "clutter"?) Oiy.

4. Rather than through your own eyes, try to see your husband how God sees him. There's not much more elaborating to do there.

Retrospective: I did a little research on the author of this book because I think it's important to understand the underlying perspective, especially on books of this nature. After finishing the book and reflecting a little, I would have assumed that this lady had a near-perfect childhood and never experienced any form of hardship or abuse. Wrong again! As it turns out, her mother had mental issues and her father was passive about addressing them, which led her down a destructive and near-fatal path.
Understanding her struggles and how she arrived with the information in this book was an added bonus. I think it feels like the people who teach these principles sometimes don't really understand the struggles that lead to anxiety, depression, etc. later in life so it's hard to put much stock into what they say. Definitely not the case here.
Last: Don't stop at Chapter 1!! The other chapters are good and help understand the male perspective, pressures, insecurities, etc. Also, don't be afraid to dive in to a book that appears "uncomfortable" on the outside to help a friend. You never know what amazing lessons you will learn for yourself along the way as an unexpected bonus!

#1: How to Listen so People Will Talk

I'm already getting behind on my #35while35 challenge so I'm taking some time on this long weekend to kick this off! I'm still not sure how I want to format these posts so it might be a work in progress for a while.

Background: As I prefaced in my last post, book #1 of the year is "How to Listen so People Will Talk" by Becky Harling. (Follow her @BeckyHarling if you happen to be a Twitter person). I'm also trying to follow the authors of books that inspire me, so that their posts remind me to keep practicing what I've learned. Harling's tone throughout the book is kind, honest and endearing, and her own personal stories build depth and trust behind the concepts she is teaching. Here's the link again in case you want to order or download a copy for yourself:
https://www.amazon.com/Listen-People-Will-Talk-Communication/dp/0764219448/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1RLTT0EPSKZSO&keywords=how+to+listen+so+people+will+talk&qid=1548126107&sprefix=how+to+listen+so%2Caps%2C175&sr=8-

Personal Note: I'm honestly not sure how I came across this book. Lots of things seem to be finding me when I need them these days, and I'm so grateful that I picked up this book! A year ago, I may not have even given it a chance. There are a lot of religious examples and comparisons throughout the book. Maybe I'll open up more about that in a future post but even if you're not religiously inclined, please don't let that turn you away! There are still a ton of lessons you can pick up from this book, while skimming over the other parts if needed.

Meat and Bones: Let's face it. We can probably all stand to be better listeners. I always presumed I was pretty good at listening until now. People seem to seek me out to talk, and I love that. So I must be a pretty good listener, right? Wrong!!! Oh man I have so far to go, but I'm consciously trying to remember a few key lessons when I'm conversing with people, (mainly my husband).  Even though I catch myself failing time and time again, I feel like the effort I've put in so far has been noticed and appreciated. (If not, please feel free to provide feedback ANYTIME! It's the only way we learn).

Here are four of the biggest take-aways I'm trying to practice right now:

1.  Being an active, engaged listener is 100% THE BEST gift you can give someone. This means putting away all of your own troubles, putting down your phone and giving someone a safe nonjudgemental space to share their story.

2. You don't have to fix everything. Before reading this book, I would shy away from conversations because I wanted to fix everything and it frustrated me that I couldn't. This quote changed my entire outlook: "Focus your inner fixer on your own difficulties and your listening ear on others'. Most of the time when a person confides in you about a problem they're experiencing, they just want someone to listen and confirm that what they are experiencing is difficult." (Page 60). Mind = blown.

3. Resist diving in with your own story. This was also a huge reality check. I am constantly doing this, but I aways thought it meant I was being a GOOD listener. When you insert your own story, you effectively steal the microphone from the person who is sharing their concerns with you. This is particularly important when trying to help a grieving friend. I still catch myself doing this too much even after reading this book TWICE!

4. Validate feelings, not actions. This may seem elementary, but this simple point made me stop in my tracks and really start to recognize the difference between feelings and actions. "Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They're just feelings. It's what we do with those feelings that determines whether or not we sin." (Page 93)

There are so many good more lessons in this book, it's overwhelming to try remember (and practice) them all! The above four are the biggest ones I'm trying to focus on because they spoke to me the most. When I've mastered those, I plan to read this again and pick some others.

Retrospective: I am grateful to have some wonderful listeners in my life. After figuring out what a good listener actually embodies, it makes me so much more appreciative to have those people in my life! Everyone is on their own listening journey, and so Harling also reminds us that it's important not to judge or feel anger at those who are just beginning their journey.

I hope someday, people will read this book and think of me when they make a mental list of good listeners in their lives. That would be the greatest compliment!

What's Next: Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Good-Endeavor-Connecting-Your/dp/1594632820/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2M5AUACLNJBSA&keywords=every+good+endeavor+tim+keller&qid=1548127712&sprefix=Every+Good+%2Caps%2C178&sr=8-1

35 while 35

Hi everyone! I bet you’re surprised to see me writing here after a 6 year hiatus.

2018 was a year of incredible growth for me. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. I’m going to be honest. It can be hard to navigate so much change while maintaining the life you’ve built and love. These things have helped:

-therapy. Do it. If you think it’s expensive or there are negative connotations, stop. Nothing is more worthy of your time and money than your mental health. I always thought physical health is what mattered most. Until I started talking to a therapist.

-books. And thus leads leads me to the reason behind my first post, in over 6 years. My goal is to read and outline 35 books in my 35th year. Maybe this seems like a low number but I am guilty of spending too much time on my devices so anything that will encourage me to read actual paper words is most welcome, and I need accountability! So here we go.

First #35in35 will be on the link below if you care to read along. It’ve already read it twice because it’s so valuable and I hope I can find the right words to summarize. Stay tuned!

https://www.amazon.com/Listen-People-Will-Talk-Communication/dp/0764219448