Millards In The Mountains

On my way to pick Allie up from school today, Apple randomly decided to play the song “I Don’t Trust Myself With Loving You” by John Mayer. The tune instantly transported me back to the days when Allie was a little baby, maybe 2 or 3 months old. I played that song on repeat (on my AirPods) while I was feeding and/or rocking her. The lyrics don’t EXACTLY match what I was feeling but the title says it all. I was so unsure about what I was doing and so positive I was going to mess everything up. Both completely normal for new and experienced moms alike. But even more than that, I was terrified of the intensity of my love for my girl. I didn’t want to infect her with my darkness. To the point that the words “I don’t trust myself with loving you” gave me chills of certainty? Clarity? How could God trust me, ME to mother this precious baby girl?? I would belt that song out almost as a promise that I wasn’t going to get it right. While I’m on the topic, here’s another huge doubt I had: Raisin...

 Tonight I was thinking how much I miss writing. I write my thoughts in the Notes app on my phone. I write in my journal. But I miss “published” writing. Putting my thoughts out there in a very vulnerable way.  Reading back on some of my past posts here, a part of me wants to cringe at the younger, carefree thoughts I would share here. And at the same time, I am so in awe of the younger version of myself that would post so freely. I love looking back and seeing growth.  In the past six years since I last posted, I have become a mother. There isn’t one single post that could capture the range of emotional growth that has come with nurturing the intelligent, sensitive daughter whom God has entrusted to my care. Nor do I intend for this to become a “mom’s blog” which encapsulates advice that I do not feel equipped to give. For now, the mention of my daughter is simply to express the “lifequake” that happened in October of 2021. Lifequake is a term I found on the “She’s On Fi...