On my way to pick Allie up from school today, Apple randomly decided to play the song “I Don’t Trust Myself With Loving You” by John Mayer. The tune instantly transported me back to the days when Allie was a little baby, maybe 2 or 3 months old. I played that song on repeat (on my AirPods) while I was feeding and/or rocking her. The lyrics don’t EXACTLY match what I was feeling but the title says it all. I was so unsure about what I was doing and so positive I was going to mess everything up. Both completely normal for new and experienced moms alike. But even more than that, I was terrified of the intensity of my love for my girl. I didn’t want to infect her with my darkness. To the point that the words “I don’t trust myself with loving you” gave me chills of certainty? Clarity? How could God trust me, ME to mother this precious baby girl?? I would belt that song out almost as a promise that I wasn’t going to get it right.
While I’m on the topic, here’s another huge doubt I had: Raising Allie in a city. I was certain there was no way I would be able to raise a kid in the city, because it’s so different from where I grew up. I don’t have an instruction manual for raising her here. I’m actually reflecting on this as I sit and watch my daughter do frog jumps and stick landings on a piggy pillow with a class of little gymnasts on South Pearl street in Denver. It was a challenge to get her to try something new. It took three classes before she would timidly participate. And now she kisses me goodbye (even though I’m sitting on a bench in the same room) and does almost every move except Hopscotch confidently. Mental note to work on that.
Watching her at gymnastics engulfs me with a joy that is almost indescribable. From clingy and scared to super hero level confidence. It makes me happy at a soul level to watch her grow and thrive. Would this experience be any different in a small town vs. a big city? Who can say? As I sit in this sun filled room soaking up my daughter’s confidence, my pride in her is all that matters. And I somehow helped her get to this point, which I am equally surprised and amazed at. I am also sneaking these sentences on my Notes app while she prances around on the trampoline at the far side of the room, not needing my attention as much. I wanted to capture my thoughts and feelings in the moment, when the words came tumbling out.
Sometimes growth is hard to see when we are in it. I’m so grateful for a song that can reflect growth so clearly when it suddenly pops up on “Laura’s Station”.
Thank you Apple for “knowing” me and the opportunity to see how far I’ve come. It might not always be like this. But for today, I will relish in the words my daughter told me from the back seat on our way to gymnastics. “Mama, I love you even when I’m sad or mad.” She learned that from me. I think I’m starting to trust myself.
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